Desolate

Definition :

joyless, disconsolate, and sorrowful through or as if through separation from a loved one <a desolate widow>

I am desolate. Tonight I feel more alone than ever. This is my first night completely alone in 6 months? a year? A long long time. I'm not too good at being by myself, With nothing to distract me from my own mind. I'm good at being with people. I'm good at being busy, When i'm with people i get so good at lying that i start to believe my own shit. i start to believe that i am happy and healthy. i start to believe i am worth something.

but now, i am alone. There is no one here to take my mind off the fact that i am nothing but an empty shell. I will be alone tomorrow as well. I will be nothing tomorrow, There's no point in pretending when there's nothing to pretend for. So tomorrow, i will lay in bed, pretending that i don't exist and hoping that someday soon i will just stop existing all together. i am worthless.

Besides, Who could miss me? They know nothing of who I am, Of what I used to be, And even if they did, Who could love a memory?

My secret : I want to be saved.

Feeling

Definition
a (1) : the one of the basic physical senses of which the skin contains the chief end organs and of which the sensations of touch and temperature are characteristic : touch (2) : a sensation experienced through this sense

Last night I stood outside with my shoes off, digging my feet into the grass, struggling to find myself here. To find myself in the world. To actually feel something.

The grass was wet, and it was cold outside. However I only really know these things because i could see the water on the ground and the thermometer on the wall. Sometimes I lose myself. I cant focus on the world around me. I cant feel the world around me, And i wonder if i am already dead. If everything I'm experiencing is just the last few flutters of brain activity before I am gone for good. I think of anything that i would change.

I would have told people how i was feeling, before it was too late
I would have been selfish, i would have said "Don't go, I love you"
I would have opened up to the world, Told someone everything.
I would have spent my life beside someone.

If i could redo everything. I wouldn't change anything, Because no one deserves to be stuck with me.
Or perhaps its because I don't know how my life could have turned out differently.

My secret : I wish i had a hand to hold. Someone to show me out of my darkness.

• Mood:Alone
• Music:It's Over - The Cure

Perfection

Definition

a : being entirely without fault or defect : flawless <a perfect diamond>

Perfection is reached, not when there is nothing left to gain, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I've always forced myself toward perfection. I'm not perfect, Though I'm starting to get pretty impressive at acting that I'm good enough. I will never be perfect in anybodies eyes. I could never be good enough for you, or for me. Its strange though. People seem to like me to a degree. They get caught up in the fun of my life. As soon as they get to know me though, i mean nothing to them. Just another pretty face to flaunt before the crowds. I am nothing but a pretty face to anyone anymore.

Nobody knows me anyway, anyone who i hold as a friend wouldn't begin to think that i could have been the author of this. Because my 'friends' know nothing but my pretty face. They wouldn't guess that i cry myself to sleep most nights, That i write letters that will never be delivered to try and make sense of whats going on, They would never believe that somewhere beyond the pleasantries, there is a hollow shell of a human.

My secret: I hate being your pretty face so much, I cant even look in the mirror anymore.

• Mood: cold
• Music:Long Hard Road Out Of Hell - Marilyn Manson

Inferior

Main Entry: in·fe·ri·or
Pronunciation: in-'fir-E-&r
Function: adjective
1. of little or less importance, value, or merit

Everyone has, in at least one point in there life, felt inferior. I've felt that way my entire life. I've always seemed to be less than those around me. Worse than them, The black sheep in a flock of pure breed, straight-laced white sheep. The truth is that for a long time now it seems like i've been clawing at the walls of a box, trying to break free, while everyone around me watches in disappointment.

Through all of this I Know i will never be up to standard. Theirs or my own. No one really cares though, Its not like they can even see me past the shimmer of everyone else around me. I am nothing to them. I think its better that way, if they actually cared, i would only disappoint them further.

My secret? Sometimes when I dream, I am someone else. That's when i can be happy.

• Mood: exhausted
• Music:David Bowie - Man Who Sold The World

Depression

Main Entry: de·pres·sion
Pronunciation: di-'pre-sh&n, dE-
Function: noun
1. a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies

I wonder, reader, if you've ever felt depressed? Have you ever been so lost in your own misery that you've forgotten about the world around you? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to die?

I have. You see, my life hasn't been pretty butterflies and rainbows. Many would have expected it to have been. I come from a privileged family, I had everything a child could ever want in most ways. I had the Music lessons, The Pony, The puppy, the sports. I had The Friends, The Family, The Life.

That's what everyone saw. I'm writing this journal to tell someone, anyone, that's really not how it was at all. I'm writing this to tell you, a complete stranger, what I haven't told My closest friends. I'm writing this to be free.

My secret? I am broken.

• Mood: Meh
• Music: Boys Dont Cry - The Cure